Why positivity doesn’t work and what to do instead

When I started coaching, fifteen years ago, positive thinking was in full throttle. I cringe when I think about all the positivity clichés I used with clients, friends and family whenever they tried to share a negative thought, feeling or experience. “BUT don’t dwell on things, look at the bright side…” I would jump in trying to recruit them to the relentless focusing on positive thinking.

Thankfully, I soon realised that this approach wasn’t jelling with me. This positive façade felt very wrong and definitely not sustainable for the long term. It might work in the short term, but detrimental in the long term and could also lead to clients feeling like it was their fault they couldn’t keep up this relentless positivity.

Instead, I started advocating for optimism. Positivity and optimism are often used interchangeably, yet they encompass different nuances that shape our worldview and mental outlook. Optimism delves deeper; it involves the belief that things will ultimately work out for the best, even in the face of adversity.

The distinction becomes apparent when delving into their practical implications. Positivity often entails disregarding negative emotions or situations, almost as if denying their existence. This conveys a certain level of emotional suppression, suggesting that displaying anything other than a positive outlook is unacceptable. In contrast, optimism involves acknowledging the challenges and setbacks, but maintaining an optimistic outlook for the long term — the challenges won’t be here forever and things will eventually work out.

In essence, while both positivity and optimism advocate for a favourable outlook, the critical disparity lies in their approach towards acknowledging and coping with life's challenges in the present. Positivity, when enforced as a constant demand for an unwavering upbeat attitude, can escalate into an emotionally detrimental force. Conversely, optimism nurtures resilience by acknowledging adversities while fostering the belief in a brighter future.

And in my clients sessions, I’ve also noticed that sometimes the solution lies in the frustrations and negative experiences, because those can point to what people want instead. Embracing optimism’s grounding in reality, striving for authenticity and a nuanced understanding of situations can lead to better long term solution and sustainable well-being.

So when faced with a difficult situation, don’t try to ignore what is happening or the negative feelings it’s bringing up. Instead allow yourself to feel what you’re supposed to before moving forward to solutions. Ask yourself questions. What is it about this situation that makes you so upset, angry, frustrated, disappointed, disillusioned etc? What is happening that’s making you feel this way? What do you want instead? what would that give you? is that what you really want? how do you know what? what options do you have? what option will you choose to move forward? are you ready to do that now or do you need more time?

Take the next step when you feel ready.